Jason X (2001)

At long last, Jason X, the most infamous of the F13 series! Here we are propelled into the distant year 2455, a time when humans have destroyed the earth, outlawed hockey, repopulated a new planet, and generally just spend a lot of time hanging out in space. Instead of campers we have a group of students, who are apparently capable of running an entire spaceship on their own in an emergency situation, but still act like idiots and look like extras from a scene at The Bronze.

There's also a sexy fighting robot, a cryogenically frozen woman from the past (2008), and a Jason Voorhees who looks like this:

But possibly the MOST ridiculous moment of Jason X is--tragically--barely shown at all, likely due to a limited effects budget. Witness the aftermath of what could have been the best Jason kill of all time: sucked through a grate into the vacuum of space!

I feel now that my life is more complete for having witnessed Jason X. This also brings us down to one final canon F13 (which happens to feature my personal favorite horror villain) FREDDY VS JASON. Welcome to the home stretch, folks!

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

This time I'm actually going to be brief, because this movie was sort of boring. It did have telekinesis, which was fun, but overall it was just kind of typical. Here's a bunch of crazy teens, now they've all been stabbed. The end. The only thing I really want to talk about here is the timeline, because it's starting to get pretty wonky. In this AND the next movie we have characters who visited Crystal Lake in their childhood, but the movie takes place when they are in their late teens. This timeline is really helpful. It seems like they maximized the overlap to try to keep the timeline as tight as possible, and I support that decision, but I wonder if there's any reason not to think these events weren't much more spread out. Regardless, even by conservative estimates, we have now entered the 21st century and apparently it involves a lot more hairspray and shoulder pads than I recall.

Also, in spite of everyone telling me it's terrible, I'm still eagerly anticipating Jason X, especially since I accidentally noticed on that timeline that the sport of hockey was outlawed in 2024. How could this movie NOT be great?

The Church (1989)

I had a really hard time watching this movie. There are some cool moments, but they are spaced apart by long periods of boring nothing. I actually wished it was worse so I could just stop watching it, but the good parts were actually pretty damn good, including a guy ripping out his own beating heart and someone's face getting attacked by a prehistoric-looking fish monster. Also, Dario Argento's daughter plays rebellious teen Lotte, who is now my idol. If this movie had been seriously edited down, it would have been great, but as it stands it is unfortunately just okay.

Man's Best Friend (1993)

Man's Best Friend is basically like Turner and Hooch except instead of drooling on everyone the dog bites people's throats out. I feel like the experience of this movie is pretty different if you saw it as a kid. Like Brainscan, it sort of walks the line of really being horror. Some parts even feel like lighthearted comedy, but people (and other animals) do get killed and and the end gets pretty tense so horror it is. Also there's dog rape set to "Puppy Love", which is just disturbing.

Side note: how amazing is the video trailer?! I can't believe they're even pushing merch in it. I also can't believe that it cost $15 million to make this "effects-driven" movie. What? Do animal trainers count as effects? Are they just lying? This is nothing like Terminator, no matter how much you say it. Psychotic Lassie, I'll allow.