Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Jason X (2001)

At long last, Jason X, the most infamous of the F13 series! Here we are propelled into the distant year 2455, a time when humans have destroyed the earth, outlawed hockey, repopulated a new planet, and generally just spend a lot of time hanging out in space. Instead of campers we have a group of students, who are apparently capable of running an entire spaceship on their own in an emergency situation, but still act like idiots and look like extras from a scene at The Bronze.

There's also a sexy fighting robot, a cryogenically frozen woman from the past (2008), and a Jason Voorhees who looks like this:

But possibly the MOST ridiculous moment of Jason X is--tragically--barely shown at all, likely due to a limited effects budget. Witness the aftermath of what could have been the best Jason kill of all time: sucked through a grate into the vacuum of space!

I feel now that my life is more complete for having witnessed Jason X. This also brings us down to one final canon F13 (which happens to feature my personal favorite horror villain) FREDDY VS JASON. Welcome to the home stretch, folks!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

What what WHAT is happening in this movie? We are off the beaten path here, folks. There is SO much crazy going on, I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll start where the trailer starts, with the fact that this is now a New Line film, not Paramount like all of the previous F13s. I'm sure that purists prefer the Paramount films, and they would be right to do so because this movie (and I'm guessing the rest to follow) really don't feel like "Friday the 13th". However, since I'm SUCH a fan of New Line's Nightmare on Elm Street series, I am ready to embrace this outrageous installment in all its insanity.

Probably the most ridiculous thing about Jason Goes to Hell is that it introduces the concept of what I will call *Jason Magic*. Jason Magic, which would probably be more accurately called Voorhees Magic, is the means by which Jason continually returns to life, and I'm pretty sure it's also inherently evil. This is not actually explained in any way, but is rather represented by some pretty flying sparks. We also discover, from some totally random bounty hunter, that only a Voorhees can kill Jason, AND that Jason had a sister (who has a daughter, and that daughter has a baby). This is, of course, reminiscent of both the Halloween series (family/sister issues) and Freddy's Dead (can only be defeated by his child). Here is a picture of Jason's neice Jessica and the magical dagger she uses to defeat him:

Oh, did I mention that "Jason" in this movie is a weird snakey demon-thing that crawls in people's mouths and possesses them, jumping from person to person throughout the movie? Because that's definitely happening.

The bottom line is, while this barely qualifies as a Friday the 13th movie at all, it IS really funny and ridiculous and enjoyable, and that's all I really ask for.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Jason Takes Manhattan is probably the F13 movie I've seen the most. It's the kind of silly 80s slasher you can put on while hanging out with friends or doing whatever and only half pay attention but still enjoy. Given that this is the case, I've decided to sum this movie up with a series of stills that I think will pretty much cover everything you need to know. Enjoy!

Welcome to Vancou-- I mean, New York!

This movie is set in the year 2000, as you can clearly tell.

Peer pressure is a problem all teens deal with.

Tough street punks!

Protip: do not box with undead maniacs.

Jason, noooo! Your beautiful face!!!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

This time I'm actually going to be brief, because this movie was sort of boring. It did have telekinesis, which was fun, but overall it was just kind of typical. Here's a bunch of crazy teens, now they've all been stabbed. The end. The only thing I really want to talk about here is the timeline, because it's starting to get pretty wonky. In this AND the next movie we have characters who visited Crystal Lake in their childhood, but the movie takes place when they are in their late teens. This timeline is really helpful. It seems like they maximized the overlap to try to keep the timeline as tight as possible, and I support that decision, but I wonder if there's any reason not to think these events weren't much more spread out. Regardless, even by conservative estimates, we have now entered the 21st century and apparently it involves a lot more hairspray and shoulder pads than I recall.

Also, in spite of everyone telling me it's terrible, I'm still eagerly anticipating Jason X, especially since I accidentally noticed on that timeline that the sport of hockey was outlawed in 2024. How could this movie NOT be great?