Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Jason Takes Manhattan is probably the F13 movie I've seen the most. It's the kind of silly 80s slasher you can put on while hanging out with friends or doing whatever and only half pay attention but still enjoy. Given that this is the case, I've decided to sum this movie up with a series of stills that I think will pretty much cover everything you need to know. Enjoy!

Welcome to Vancou-- I mean, New York!

This movie is set in the year 2000, as you can clearly tell.

Peer pressure is a problem all teens deal with.

Tough street punks!

Protip: do not box with undead maniacs.

Jason, noooo! Your beautiful face!!!

Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter (1984)

The Final Chapter is one of the two F13 movies I have seen the most (the other being Jason Takes Manhattan, for obvious reasons). It is also, as I'm told, the most common fan favorite, which is pretty understandable. Let's review the highlights of F13p4:

-Crispin Glover! Seriously you guys, Crispin Glover is SUCH a weirdo, he's the best. Did you know he once sued Steven Spielberg and WON? He also made a surrealist film called What Is It? featuring only actors with Downs Syndrome (and himself). He has also released a spoken word album titled The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be. His middle name--for real--is Hellion. He is just the BEST. His role in F13p4 is a pretty typical hapless-loser-trying-to-get-laid archetype, but he does have a completely George McFly moment right before he dies that I just could NOT stop laughing about. This clip only shows a bit of it, but you get the idea:


-Corey Feldman! Seriously, this movie is a star-studded event. This is only his second real movie role (first being Gremlins) and he is just adorable. His character, Tommy Jarvis, is also somehow an accomplished special effects artist and creates totally amazing monster masks. I find this a little unbelievable, but since it's Corey Feldman I'll allow it.

-Weird vintage porn filmstrips! I looked for a clip online, but as you can imagine, it's a difficult thing to properly search for--especially at work. I would like to note here one low-light of the movie: there are several incidents of fat-shaming, most notably when one of the lovely vintage ladies is called a pig and when a hitchhiking hippie is shouted at and teased. Not cool, guys!

-The return of using psychology against Jason! After the approach was abandoned in the last movie in favor of an axe to the skull, it was nice to once again see some clever exploitation of Jason's severe childhood trauma. Unfortunately, Tommy's impersonation of Jason mostly just serves as a distraction and actually winds up doing quite a bit of damage to Tommy himself in the end, that's really a topic for another post (the one right after this).


In conclusion, I'd like to revisit the issue of when and if Jason is alive/dead/undead. After the last movie, he wound up in a morgue, suggesting all life signs were gone and seemingly supporting the theory that he did in fact die and in F13p4 is now undead. However, most medical professionals and other authorities in the series are pretty incompetent PLUS Jason's physical anatomy is certainly irregular, so this evidence is hardly conclusive. I know this issue is just going to keep getting more complicated with each movie, so I'll leave it at that for this post, but stay tuned for Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning!

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

When I see a Christmas-themed horror movie, I generally expect it to be ridiculous and gimmicky and sort of bad (though potentially in a really good way). Rare Exports was not what I expected. To take something that could have been really silly and make it come off so well is very impressive. It's suprisingly original and even the cinematography was just beautiful. Child protagonists in horror movies are always great, but this kid is particularly kick-ass. I don't really know what else to say except that you should definitely see this. Just brace yourself for a little full-frontal old man nudity. But only a little.

Heartless (2009)

This movie is British, and I'm starting to wonder if that can get it an automatic stamp of awesomeness, or at least some extra points. I won't go on a rant about how much I've been enjoying British media as of late, but I WILL point out that Mickey from Doctor Who is in this movie and then I think you'll get where I'm going with this. Anyway, I would sum up Heartless as being kind of a British Donnie Darko, in that you don't always know exactly what's going on but it's still good anyway. Though it should probably be noted that I haven't seen Donnie Darko in about 10 years. It's that kind of unreliable-narrator movie where you're not totally sure what happened and what didn't, which totally works for me because I am just a deconstructionist kind of person and I don't care if there are definitive answers or not. But some people hate that, so you know. Be warned.

Also, can someone please find me a transcript of everything the nephew character says in this movie? I think his accent is a bit more street than the others or something because I have NO CLUE what this kid is saying pretty much ever.

Wilderness Survival for Girls (2004)

I actually almost turned this movie off near the beginning, because it seemed like it might go in a Cheerleader Ninjas direction (ie incredibly unwatchably bad), but by the end I grew to love it. I think the most unsettling thing about this movie is how real it is. I can absolutely see this situation going exactly this way in real life, which is why there are some scenes that are just uncomfortably awkward. But it's ok! Because real life and weird situations are often uncomfortably awkward! The girls in this movie start out seeming like stereotypes but become more recognizable and real as they go along. The last scene of this movie is probably my favorite, perfectly punctuated by Ruth's line: "We're just girls to them". See it.

The Wild Hunt

The Wild Hunt is a sort-of horror movie about LARPing, so I pretty much automatically like it. I find LARPing incredibly fascinating. If you don't know what it is, I'm not going to explain it to you because you are obviously terrible and I'm sure you know how to use Google anyway. When I watched The Wild Hunt initially, I was all "LARPers aren't really like that, I've seen Monster Camp!" But then I watched Darkon and was like, "Oh, wait..." So I guess the only way to know for sure is to go to one in real life, right? Just like, for research?

I'm not a nerd. Shut up.

Pumpkinhead (1988)

This is a pretty standard troublesome-teens-get-their-comeuppance revenge slasher, but what sets it apart for me is how well they sell the father-son relationship in the beginning. I was really genuinely upset when the little boy got killed, and was looking forward to the obnoxious city kids getting picked off. This is basically a slasher that does everything just right. Thumbs up, Pumpkinhead.

Troll (1986)

That's right, not Troll 2, but the original Troll. While not as hilariously bad as the infamous sequel, Troll is hilariously awesome. Seriously. There's Sonny Bono (who likes to swing), June Lockheart (a princess-turned-witch), a (very) partial recitation of The Faerie Queene, not one but TWO Harry Potters (11 years before the books hit shelves), and some very odd musical interludes, like this:



Just watch it already.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

The things that always freak me out the most in horror movies are the somewhat mundane things, things that seem like they could really happen. I can't even watch The Strangers because of the part in the trailer where someone is in the house standing behind Liv Tyler and she doesn't know they're there. That's the sort of thing that keeps me awake at night, so I generally like the Paranormal Activity movies. I get genuinely creeped out, but then they always really go for it and go over the top at the end to remind me that this is just a movie after all.

Also, I have concluded that the problem with this family was too much house and not enough dog. The number of dogs you have must increase in proportion with your house size, or else demons will just take over. Plus the dad was too racist to take good demon advice, so that should be a lesson.

The Haunting (1963)

I'd seen the remake of this a long time ago, but for some reason never seen the original. The original is better. Also, it has a psychic lesbian in it, so it's automatically good.

Trick 'r Treat (2007)

This movie renews my faith in modern American horror (something that needs periodic renewal). It may not be the scariest movie you've ever seen, but it's clever, it's original, and it's just an all-around enjoyable movie. My only regret is not holding off on this one until Halloween; it would definitely put you in the spirit. I'll probably re-watch on Halloween anyway, that's how much I enjoyed it. I should also note that I am a total sucker for anthology movies (Creepshow, Cat's Eye, etc), so that fact that this has four interwoven stories gets extra points from me.

Brainscan (1994)

This movie is so 90s, I'm not sure where to start. Most 90s actor ever (Edward Furlong) in the lead role? Check. Disaffected youth? Check. Featured music from bands like White Zombie, Mudhoney, and Primus? Check. Character wearing two plaid flannel shirts at the same time? Check. Outdated technology? Triple check. Just hearing the phrase "interactive CD-ROM" is enough to get a laugh, but I have to admit this movie made me nostalgic for pre-internet days when you found out about cool stuff by subscribing to special niche magazines and forming clubs with your friends.

Brainscan falls into a weird space between kids' scary movies (like Little Monsters or Lost Boys) and real horror. You've got teens as protagonists, adults that don't get it, and very little graphic violence. But very little isn't none; a man does get pretty brutally stabbed, plus there's talk about suicide and some stalking. Possibly my favorite thing about Brainscan is the ending, where you think the main character has learned a valuable lesson, but then NOPE, not really. It's pretty awesome.